To Hold Back Tears
by supercellchaser
Summary: "After multiple times of seeing this interaction between the brothers, Castiel could no longer stand back and wonder why Sam seemed so reluctant to discuss his childhood." Sam/Castiel H/C Angst.
1. Chapter 1

Castiel had never expected to fully understand the Winchester boys. They were far too complex, even for him, but he was certain he had somewhat of an understanding. Mostly with Sam.

Sam seemed complex to his brother but Castiel understood him more than he ever could with Dean.

What he did not understand about Sam was his inability to discuss matters of his childhood. Whenever Dean would try to bring up a light hearted conversation about a childhood memory, Sam's eyes would darken and he would quickly attempt to start another conversation.

Castiel had seen this happen multiple times and while Dean seemed to not notice, Castiel didn't think it could be more clear.

Dean, it seemed, loved discussing happy childhood memories. His eyes brightened as he laughed over something stupid he had done as a child or something their father had taken the time to teach them.

If Sam wasn't trying to change the subject, his head would lower and he would simple nod at whatever Dean was saying.

After multiple times of seeing this interaction between the brothers, Castiel could no longer stand back and wonder why Sam seemed so reluctant to discuss his childhood.

"What makes you so uneasy about discussing your childhood?"

Sam had froze, fear lighting up his eyes. Castiel, seeing his unease, had pulled him into his arms, offering the comfort he could.

Sam feebly pushed against Castiel. "I'm fine. It doesn't make me uneasy."

"You are lying." Castiel rebuffed, holding Sam at arms length.

Sam shook his head. "It just reminds me of all the times I was forced to hunt instead of hanging out with friends. That's all."

Castiel had nodded even though he didn't believe Sam's response in the slightest.

* * *

"_A father is in jail and a child is in the custody of Child Services. Story at five."_

Dean, who was sprawled out on a motel room bed, watching the small tv, scoffed. "How could someone do that to a kid?"

Sam and Castiel sat at the rickety table in the corner of the room. Sam, who had previously been typing up a storm, froze. His head lowered and Castiel could practically hear his heartbeat speed up.

"Sam?" Castiel pressed gently, his hand reaching across the table to cover Sam's. Sam was shaking gently.

Sam jumped at the contact and, getting a hold of himself, went back to typing. Dean having noticed nothing, spoke again.

"Thank God Dad was never like that."

Sam froze again and it finally clicked for Castiel. His vessel's mouth dropped open and a tremor of anger and concern worked its way through him. _How had he not seen this?_

"Sam…" Castiel began, standing up.

Sam looked like he was about to be sick. Dean looked from his spot on the bed with confused eyes. "What's wrong, Sammy?"

When Castiel reached out towards Sam, Sam jumped up, his chair falling backwards as he darted from the small room and slammed the door behind him.

Castiel remained where he was, his hand still extended.

"Cas?" Dean asked slowly. "What's wrong with him?"

Dean moved to follow Sam out the door. Castiel, snapping out of his stupor, stopped Dean at the door.

"I will take care of this. I do not know how I did not see this. That is my fault, I should have known. This is mine to take care of."

Dean looked completely and utterly confused. "What didn't you know?"

Castiel simply shook his head and was gone, leaving Dean standing alone.

* * *

Chapter two coming soon.

Reviews fuel me to write more and to write faster!


	2. Chapter 2

Myurra K. Velveteen Deceptions asked me how I can write such short stories and I asked her how she could write such long ones. I hate that I am so un-wordy. I check the word count expecting 1000 words and there are only like 200. *Sigh* Myurra K. Velveteen Deceptions, be glad that you are wordy. Lol

So people, I'm dressing as Castiel for Halloween (Yeah, I'm dressing as a dude). Who wants to dress as Sam (preferably a sexy emo boy) so we can make out? Lol Real life Sastiel!

* * *

Castiel had left Dean confused and had headed after Sam. He didn't have to go far for Sam had stopped on the side of the motel and sat in the dirt, his back against the siding and his head in his knees.

"Sam?" Castiel spoke gently, kneeling down in front of the distraught man. Castiel had to work to keep the anger out of his voice lest Sam would think it was towards him. He wasn't angry at Sam. He was angry at himself for not knowing.

"I'm fine. I just…I just…I'm fine." Sam whispered, keeping his eyes down.

"You are not. Why didn't you tell me?" Castiel muttered placing his hand under Sam's chin and lifting his head so he was looking Castiel in the eyes.

Sam pushed Castiel's hand away. "There was no need to. It happened, there's nothing I can do now."

"I could have helped, Sam." Castiel alleged.

"Helped how?" Sam whispered, still keeping his eyes away from Castiel's. "There's nothing you can do. It happened and there is no going back."

Castiel gripped Sam's shoulders. "No, but you know I can help in other ways Sam. You don't have to bear this by yourself."

Sam fought to quell his tears. He had faith in Castiel in the matter of so many things but he couldn't see how he could help him through this. He didn't want anyone to know about this.

Dean didn't know and Sam fought to keep it that way. Dean had such a high respect for their father and whether or not John deserved that respect, Sam did not want to see Dean crushed when he realized that the one he spent his whole life looking up to had done what he had.

"Did you…did you tell Dean?" Sam whispered, finally looking Castiel in the eyes. The compassion that filled those light blue eyes floored Sam and the tears overflowed.

Castiel smiled reassuringly as he gently wiped the tears away with his thumb. "No, but he knows something is wrong. We will have to tell him."

Sam buried his head in the crook of Castiel's neck. "I don't want him to know. H-he looks up to Dad and…and I don't want him to know that Dad…that he…"

Sam broke off. He couldn't discuss this. It was too much.

Castiel knew Sam wouldn't be able to verbalize what he had gone through but he had to see for himself. It wasn't enough to just know.

"You have to let me in, Sam." Castiel spoke gently. "I can't help you unless you let me. I have to see what happened."

Sam began to tremble violently. "I…I…"

"It will be okay. I just need to know. Do you understand why?"

Sam nodded but he still looked uncertain. His faith in Castiel outweighed his uncertainty and he lifted his head off of Castiel's neck. A small nod was concurrence.

Castiel gently arranged Sam in his arms so he was cradling him to his chest like a child. With a small, reassuring smile, Castiel placed his two fingers on Sam's forehead and a burst of images spewed forth.

He could no longer see Sam in his arms. He now saw a younger Sam Winchester. Perhaps fourteen years old and sitting at a small, broken down dining room table.

_Young Sam's hand held a pencil and flew across the paper on the table in front of him. The difficult math problems on the paper were solved within minutes, whereas it would usually take a child of Sam's age much longer. _

_Sam's eyes brightened as he read each problem and realized how to solve them._

_Sam was enjoying himself. Dean was out messing around with his current flavor of the week and John wasn't due back until much later._

_Sam's peaceful homework time was shattered by a car door slamming outside and heavy footsteps coming up the steps in front of the run down duplex the Winchester family currently occupied._

_Sam struggled to get the papers shoved back into the backpack at his feet before his father saw. John wasn't supposed to be home for hours and Sam knew if John saw his son was doing homework instead of something "productive" he would be angry._

_Sam wasn't fast enough and within seconds John stood in the doorway of the kitchen, anger etched in every feature. Sam could smell the alcohol on his breath across the room._

"_What do you think you're doing, boy?" John slurred menacingly. "Didn't I tell you to leave that worthless mess be?"_

_Sam didn't reply because he knew whatever he said would be worthless. Fear sent tremors running through him and he instinctively backed up as John advanced towards him._

"_Where's your brother?" John hissed._

"_Ou…out." Sam whispered. John wouldn't touch him if Dean was home and Sam had learned a long time ago that lying and telling John that Dean was home would only lead to harsher consequences when he found out the truth._

_John lunged forward and grabbed Sam by his collar, punching the young boy across the face before throwing him down onto the linoleum. _

"_What did I tell you about that worthless school crap!" John yelled, kicking Sam in the stomach, ignoring the boy's cries of pain._

"_I…I'm sorry!" Sam cried out as he fought to protect himself from John's blows._

"_You're sorry?" John screamed. "Are you sorry that you got my wife killed? Are you sorry that I'm stuck with your butt now?"_

_Tears ran down Sam's pale cheeks as John continued his assault. _

_After a few more minutes of abuse, John stumbled drunkenly out of the kitchen, leaving an unconscious Sam in a pool of his own blood._

Castiel pulled himself from Sam's memory with a shocked gasp. He may have known that Sam had gone through abuse but seeing it himself had shook him to the core.

Sam's dark eyes met his and Castiel quickly hid his shock. He had to be strong for Sam.

"How often did this happen?"

"Few times a week. Whenever Dean wasn't home."

Without a word, Castiel pulled Sam against him, slowly rocking him.

Sam seemed content to stay in Castiel's arms for the rest of his life but there was something grating on his mind.

"Do I have to tell Dean?" Sam asked weakly.

"I will tell him if you do not wish to but he has to be told. Something like this, Sam…he would be devastated of he found out from someone else than you."

Sam shivered. "He loved Dad. He looked up to him every day of his life. I can't do that to him."

"It has to be done." Castiel replied. "I'm sorry but he has to know."

"I didn't want you to know either." Sam said slowly.

"I understand but I too needed to know. I'm so sorry, Sam. I wish this hadn't happened to you. I wish I had known."

"It's not your fault."

"That does not change the fact that I wish I could have protected you from this."

"Thanks." Sam said simply, clutching at Castiel's white shirt.

"You have to talk about this. With Dean."

Sam's eyes widened. A violent tremor ran through him. "Is there any reason to? Can't we just let it go?"

"You know the answer to that."

"I don't want to."

"Well, you are going to."

"Why?"

"Because it needs to be done."

"Why?"

"Samuel…"

"I don't want to."

Castiel stood up, pulling Sam with him. "Sam…you cannot lock this all up. Dean had to be told and you have to talk about it. It is not healthy to bury past hurts. Do you understand?"

Sam's head lowered and he did not respond.

"Sam!" Castiel pressed. "Look at me."

Sam obeyed.

"Do…you…understand? I will not stand by while you bury this. It will only cause you more pain in the future."

Slowly, still unsure, Sam nodded. Castiel smiled and ran his hands through Sam's hair.

"I'll be there the whole time. Do not fret."

Again, Sam only nodded. Tears stood unshed in his eyes.

"Come on." Castiel pressed gently, pulling Sam back towards the motel room where Dean was.

* * *

Dean paced the room. He had wanted to follow Castiel but he had a feeling that Castiel needed to talk to Sam alone. He chewed his nails nervously, wondering what had happened that could have upset Sam so much.

The motel room door swung open and Castiel walked in with Sam slowly following. Sam's head was hung low and he stood on the threshold as if contemplating whether or not to come in. Castiel turned back to Sam when he wouldn't move past the threshold and gripped him by the shoulders. Planting a kiss on Sam's forehead Castiel muttered soft, comforting words that Dean could not hear.

Sam nodded, obviously agreeing with whatever Castiel had said and slowly stepped into the room. Castiel shut the door behind them and Sam looked like he wanted nothing more than to open it back up and run.

"Sammy?" Dean asked gently. He walked over to where Sam stood and, similar to what Castiel had done moments ago, placed his hands on Sam's shoulders. "What's wrong? What made you so upset?"

Sam's mouth opened but no words escaped. He looked to Castiel as if begging for help.

Castiel sighed and pulled Sam away from Dean's concerned grip. He led Sam over to the bed and pressed him down on the edge.

"Would you like me to say it?" The angel whispered to the youngest Winchester.

"Say what?" Dean asked loudly. He was ignored.

Sam shook his head. "I don't want to tell him at all."

"Tell me what?" Dean yelled. "What's going on?" His anger rose when he again, was ignored.

"Either you tell him or I tell him. No other choices."

Sam's head lowered, if possible, even lower. "Can I not be in the room when you say it?"

"I swear to God, if someone does not tell me what is…"

"Dean! Be quiet." Castiel snapped. Dean's mouth snapped shut with a grunt of anger but he listened.

Castiel pressed his forehead to Sam's. "No, you have to be here. It will only delay the inevitable."

"Can…can…I mean…I should say it but…I…I just can't." Sam murmured.

"It's alright. I will do it."

"What is it, Cas?" Dean asked, breaking his silence.

"Your father abused Sam."

Both Sam and Dean's mouths dropped. Dean's, from the revelation he had just received and Sam's, from how blunt Castiel was. Just like that. _"Your father abused Sam." _

"He…he _abused_ Sam?" Dean whispered. "What does that mean?"

Castiel, currently running his fingers comfortingly over Sam's forehead, rolled his eyes. "Do you not understand the words I have spoken Dean Winchester?"

"No…" Dean began. "I understand what you said but…I don't understand."

"You have never noticed that whenever you bring up your childhood, Sam changes the subject?"

Sam wanted to say something. He didn't like how Dean and Castiel were talking about him and he wasn't responding but he couldn't find the words. He hadn't wanted either of them to know this anyway.

"You mean…you mean…Dad…he…Sammy, did he hit you?"

Sam looked away and closed his eyes, hiding his tears. He could feel Castiel's brilliant blue eyes on him but couldn't bring himself to look into them. There was too much compassion in those eyes. All that compassion was too much for Sam right now.

"He did." Castiel responded for Sam and Sam was eternally grateful.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean was angry. He was angry at their father for what he had done and he was angry at Sam for not telling him.

He paced the room, gripping his short hair in his hands. He couldn't comprehend what he had just been told.

His father, the man he had looked up to his entire life had…_hit_…his baby brother. He'd freakin' hit him.

Suddenly he was angry at himself too. How had he not seen? Sam never wanted to discuss their childhood. When they were kids Sam begged for Dean to take him wherever he went, instead of leaving him at home. Tears rose in Dean's eyes when he remembered that most of the time he ignored Sam and left him at home because, in his teenage years, he couldn't be bothered to have a younger brother tagging along with him. He had left him at home to be beaten.

He grew more and more angry with himself by the second. His breathing escalated and his blood pounded in his veins.

How many times had he questioned the bruises on Sam's body only to get the response of, _"I got it when I was training with Dad." _How could he have never questioned why John was so rough with Sam when training?

Oh, that's right. He worshipped John Winchester as a child. His father was his everything.

Not anymore.

Snapping out of his ruminations and remembering that Sam was sitting broken and defeated on the bed, Dean kneeled down in front him. Sam clenched his eyes shut tighter then they had been.

"Open your eyes." Dean mumbled. Slowly, Sam obeyed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Sam shrugged, still not meeting Dean's eyes . Castiel sunk down on the bed beside Sam and placed his arm around his shoulders.

"Sam?" Dean pressed.

Sam looked unable to speak so Castiel responded for him. "Would you have told him if it was the other way around?"

Dean realized that he wouldn't have. If their father had hit him, he would have never told Sam.

"If I had known, Sammy…" Dean broke off.

Sam nodded, knowing what Dean was trying to say.

"I'm so sorry, Kiddo." Dean choked out. "If that bastard was here right now…" Dean trailed off, anger lighting up his eyes.

"I didn't want you to know." Sam began. "You always looked up to him and he meant so much to you…"

"He doesn't deserve any of that Sam!" Dean ground out. "I don't want to give someone that does that _any _respect. Whether or not I found out, I never want to be so naïve."

Sam nodded, still wishing nobody had found out.

Dean, saying nothing, pulled Sam into his arms, offering what little comfort he could.

* * *

"I know you still wish you had not told him but I know that you are aware that, in the long run, this was for the best."

Sam nodded into Castiel's shirt, which his face was currently burrowed into. Castiel sat in the bed furthest from the door with Sam in his arms. Dean was snoring in the other bed.

"You keep saying that and I believe you but for right now, I feel like it's my fault that he's so upset."

Castiel nodded, pressing his face into the hair on the top of Sam's head. "I know. It had to be done though. He holds no anger with you though."

"Yeah, I know."

"How do you feel about what he did to you?"

Sam shuddered gently and Castiel gripped him tighter. "I'm fine."

"We will not discuss this again, Sam. You can't hold this in."

Sam sighed. "I…I try to forget, try to act like it never happened but…it's always there. I can't stand it."

Sam's voice cracked and Castiel ran his hand up and down Sam's back. "It will be alright."

"He always said it was my fault Mom died and I don't know if I believe him. I didn't used to but after Jess and Madison and Jo and Ellen, after everybody that has died because of me, I can't help but believe him."

Castiel gently shushed Sam before pressing their lips softly together. "You are not to blame for any of their deaths. You had nothing to do with any of it. Your father was a disturbed man. What he did to you had nothing to do with your mother's death. It had to do with his own sickness."

"I don't know if I can believe that…"

"You may not now, but I will not give up until you know the truth. None of this is your fault."

Sam sighed. He was tired and didn't want to discuss this anymore. Snuggling against Castiel, Sam allowed himself to be comforted.

What his father did to him would never leave him, the hurt would always be there but Sam gathered reassurance in the fact that Castiel and Dean would always be there to help him through the painful memories.

"Thank you." Sam murmured. "Thank you for being there."

"You're welcome." Castiel whispered, kissing Sam again.

*End*

* * *

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